Archive | March, 2014

Pretty Woman

2 Mar

A lot of people think because I’m a musician that girls just throw themselves at me like salmon jumping into the grizzly bear’s mouth. Not true. It would be flattery if there were girls out there, asking me to eat them alive like those poor salmon, but it doesn’t really happen. 

It also helps if you’re good at picking up on women–which I’m not really.  Rivers Cuomo from Weezer said once, “If you’re not really good at hitting on girls before you’re a musician, it’s probably not going to come that easy to you AFTER you become a musician.”  I’m paraphrasing, of course. 

There have been occasions in my life that I’ve dated girls out of my league because I play music, but for the most part, it’s not a reoccurring situation I deal with often.  But there was this one time I thought a particular girl was making moves on me that would lead to something more.  Unfortunately, the key words in that last sentence were, “I thought”.

I was playing a four-hour set in Corpus Christi that was relatively uneventful until the last set of the night.  It was during this set that SHE showed up.  She sat in the back of the venue, but even from a distance, I could tell this girl was a knock-out!  She was dressed like she belonged in a movie and her features made everything about her just pop.  Long, beautiful hair, gorgeous face and the rest I’ll leave to your imagination. So I did what I normally do when I see a beautiful woman at my show–ignore her and tell myself that she probably wouldn’t be interested. I know, I’m my own worst enemy!

But after my set, she turned out to be interested. Very interested!

I was packing my equipment into my car and out of thin air, there she was–standing next to me–smiling and batting her eyes at me.

“Wow! You are an amazing singer!” she said, “and sooo cute too!”

She was off to a good start!  I thanked her and we stood there for a bit, making small talk while I undressed……I mean, surveyed her “body language”.  And I realized something was off.  My brain was looking for logic in all this.  She was wearing a very form-fitting black mini skirt to a very casual restaurant and getting A LOT of second-looks from every guy there–and now she’s “hitting” on me?

“Shut up!” My heart told me, “Don’t blow this for us!”

When we ran out of things to say to one another, she asked me,”So what are you doing tonight?  Do you have any plans?”

My heart started racing. But my brain remained rational.  Something wasn’t right. This girl was beautiful and didn’t need to hit on any guys. They should be hitting on her, not the other way around. My heart (and other parts of my body) tried to clear those thoughts out.  “Hey, maybe this good-looking girl is simply attracted to you. Stranger things have happened!”

My plan was to drive straight home that night after the show, but I played it coy and said, “I don’t have any plans.”  Good answer!

“Well, maybe you and I should go somewhere private….where we can be alone,” she said, never breaking eye contact with me. 

“HOLD UP!” My brain screamed, “Something is not right about this!  Why is this girl coming on to you so aggressively?  It doesn’t make sense.  These things don’t happen to me!”

This time, I let the rational thoughts in my head have some say in the conversation and said, “I’m not sure where you’re going with this.”

I wished the end result would be her saying something a normal girl would say. I wished she wanted to go to a coffee shop for a drink or anywhere normal to continue this experience. But I knew that wasn’t the case even before she said what she said next. 

“Well…” she said, trailing off, “you just got done working for the night and I just started working for the night….”

And there was the rub, ladies and gentlemen. This girl wasn’t hitting on me. She was a prostitute. She was “working”, which meant she had some very grand ideas on how I could spend the money I had just made that night.  In the battle of my brain vs my heart, the brain won again.

Despite the reveal, I thanked her as nicely as possible, told her “no thank you”, jumped in my car and drove home.  I wonder what advice River Cuomo has if a prostitute hits on you?  I’ll have to see if there’s any sage advice from him on the internet.