Archive | June, 2014

Ray of Light

27 Jun

I’ve done a lot of things I’m not proud of as a musician. This story isn’t necessarily the worst I’ve done, but it was still cruel and only for my entertainment. Well, I guess now it’s for your entertainment too.

I was doing a show a while back at a very nice place for a very nice event that just happen to put me in a spot where the devil on my shoulder was talking louder than the angel. Let me explain. At this show, I was set up in the corner next to a very large window where the sun was shining in perfectly on me and my guitar. My guitar has a polished finish on the wood and on this particular day, the combination of the sun reflecting on my gleaming guitar made for a powerful ray of sunlight that blinded anyone caught in its path. It was like when the sun hits the face of your wristwatch and you can direct that light any direction you want. I had played an entire set before I realized the power I possessed at that moment.

It was the funniest and meanest thing I’ve done while playing a show. While singing, I could move my guitar around and shine rays of sunlight into people’s faces without it appearing as if I were doing it on purpose. I’m assuming from the audience stand-point, my movements looked like I was just getting into the song—even though those movements were blinding them with my powerful sunray. People went from smiling and enjoying my songs to covering their eyes and trying to protect their vision.

Someone should have caught onto me. I would go from singing a serious song to trying my hardest not to burst out laughing. I know this moment in time doesn’t make me look like a very good person, but come on, it was funny!! If you had been me, wouldn’t you have done the same thing? Probably? Probably not? Okay, maybe I’m not as funny as I’d like to think I am. But next time you’re at one of my shows and a ray of sunlight hits you in the face, just know that you had it coming!

Half-Assed

25 Jun

I always show up to my gigs waaaayyyy earlier than the time I’m suppose to start playing. I do this because I have been working this job long enough to know that my equipment could break down on any given day and I might need to run to a music store and fix the problem before my show starts. Having said that, here’s a story of when that kind of thinking paid off for me, even if it was under different circumstances than I expected.

Not long ago, I was playing an afternoon show in Fredericksburg, Tx and I arrived there at my earlier-than-needed time to set up my equipment.  I was bending over to move some of my gear when out of no where–I heard a rip.  This rip felt very close to me.  Extremely close!

I shot up and immediately began to assess the situation.  I thought, “okay, I heard something rip and it sounded it like came from somewhere on my jeans, but I don’t know where”.  Just as this was happening, an elderly woman approached me and started asking me questions.

“Excuse me….we came here to hear so-and-so play and he told us he was going to be doing a show today. Is he coming here to play with you?”

Obviously, I was a little distracted at the moment, because I was trying to figure out where that ripping sound I had heard came from. I knew it came from “down below” (if you know what I mean), but I couldn’t find the rip. 

Then I found it!  Right around the buttock region, I felt a huge rip in my jeans where my ass would be.  And it wasn’t a small rip. Oh no!  It was a “my-whole-ass-is-hanging-out” rip and I was suppose to play a show in front of a lot people in less than an hour.  Plus, I had a woman standing in front of me, asking me questions about another musician I knew nothing about and she clearly didn’t know about my current problem.

I tried covering the rip with my hand while answering her questions.

“No, ma’am,” I said, ” I’m the only person playing today.”

Not satisfied with my answer, this lady kept asking me questions about this other musician, thinking I would eventually have the right answer for her.

“Well, is he gonna play with you today? Because he told us he would be here at this venue.”

“Are you sure no one else is playing music with you? Because we came out to listen to him.”

“Is he sharing the stage with you? Because he told us……”

Every question she asked, I answered “no”–all while trying to cover my exposed rear. At this point, I noticed some girls had gathered behind me and they were clearly catching onto the fact that I was very “vulnerable”.

I didn’t mean to be rude, but this elderly woman would not accept that whoever she came out to listen to was not playing today, so I abruptly told her “Lady!  He’s not playing here today!  I don’t know what he told you, but I’m the only musician here today!” and I ran to my car.

I started racing to the nearest store–all while calling the venue I was JUST at–telling them I was  NOT going to be able to start at the designated time they wanted me, because of my personal crisis. They just laughed and told me, “get back when you can”. 

I found a nearby thrift store, tried on a pair of thrift store jeans that would/could replace my now assless jeans, put them on and returned to my gig to play five minutes later than I would have normally started.

So the moral of the story is, it’s alway a good idea to get to work long before you’re expected and always pack a second pair of jeans.