Archive | July, 2014

British Invasion

11 Jul

Just to let you all know, I have a very good fake British accent. If you come to a show in the near future, please don’t ask me to perform it for you. First of all, that’s a rude request and I’m not a trained monkey, willing to perform for you at the drop a hat….oh wait, yes I am…yeah, but still, I don’t want to show off ALL my talents in one seating.

Having said that, there was a time years ago that I would drop into my English alter ego and never come out.

Once upon a time when I was out on the road with my band, I decided–along with my bass player–to have some fun with my newly mentioned talent. We had been touring the countryside for quite some time and had gotten bored enough to decide the next show we did, we were going to make it interesting—if only for ourselves. Our next stop was Fort Wayne, Indiana and while on that drive, we brainstormed a brilliant plan to become two British blokes in an American band.

So here were the rules—be British all night long. That’s it. This was our very first show in this city and no one knew our name—let alone our nationality. So when strangers talked to us, we had to have our accents going. When we were onstage, we were English through and through. When we got offstage and talking to new fans, we were distant relatives to the Beatles.

So the second we set foot inside the venue, the stage was set for a British Invasion. We walked into a bar filled with ho-hum Midwesterns who seemed tickled to death that there were two British band members walking amongst them.
All night long, my bass player and I kept up our accents and had the locals buying us drinks, begging us to say certain words to tickle their fancy, and asking us about life back home. They bought it hook-line-and-sinker.

“How far did you live from Liverpool?”

“How long have you lived in the United States?”

“Is it true British people don’t wear deodorant?”


We got up onstage that night and kept the party rolling! Everything we would say in between songs was with our British accents. Everything we said offstage was with our British accents. After a while, every thought we had was in a British accent.

It was all going so well until….

It just so happened that one of the bands we were playing with that night had relatives from England. They were—like everyone else—curious about our English decent and began asking my bass player questions that any civil Englishman could answer.

“Tell us about your favorite soccer team overseas?”

One thing you should know about my bass player….he knows nothing about sports—let alone popular sports overseas. They poked and prodded him about soccer (or as the rest of the world calls it “futbol”) and he had no answers for them. At this point, the gig was up. My bass player was caught in our lie. I only learned this after we had left the show and we were heading to the next town.

In our conversations about the night/show, the question came up, “Did anyone catch on to the fact that you guys weren’t English?” My answer was no, but my bass player grew quiet, then said, “That other band figured it out. I broke down when they started asking me about soccer”.

He hung his head like a whipped puppy dog. Meanwhile, I felt triumphant. The other band never ousted me for not being British and the rest of the patrons that night never were the wiser. And if we were keeping score, my British accent held up the best, because no one questioned me or my phony dialect. Not that we started this prank out as a game, but if we did….guess what, I won! L….O…L